(here is a picture of my yummy peanut butter and choc porridge - I'll share the recepie soon!)
In all honestly I have missed it.
I have missed writing, I have missed the therapeutic tip, tap, typing as I explore what I want to write about.
I just wasn't sure what to do or where to go with it. I would log into the blog and look at how I had let everything go. I would beat myself down about it and then leave again, letting months pass by. I stopped commenting on my friends blogs and I stopped interacting (except for instagram). I guess I had also been doing that in my real life to an extent. Some massive emotional shit storm has gone down in the past year and I'm just about getting over it..
Foggy clouds began to lift and that pang of guilt / excitement began again:
I miss wellmeaningbeing but have to deal with the fact that the blog is'nt so anonymous anymore, I wrote a post about in last September....... obviously didn't stay as confident about it as I was that day!
I remained way to worried about what people in my "real life" would say.
REAL LIFE.....what is that anyway?!!!
I was being so, so stupid. I chose the name wellmeaning - being (please write as all one word, I'm just using an example....take note pr people who email me!- not bothered, nope not one bit!).
Any way I'll start again, I chose it because I knew there would be slip ups, I'm never going to be perfect (hate that word!) and in all honesty this is my life. I'm very open on instagram (wellmeaningbeing) about how I deal with life, what works for me and want does not.
My blog is never going to be the most on trend, nor am I ever going to fuss over my camera for hours to get the most beautiful picture.. I'm not like that in real life so why should I be here - I can hear blogging experts crying in the distance.
So to my real life people who may or not read this, this is me. I have been hiding.
I hid myself for far too long
I found myself on here
I lost myself in cancer
I hid from the blog for a long time
I am back, still a little lost but that's okay. This is how I am right now.
Sometimes, it can be overwhelming for others to know that you are not at 100% (honestly who actually is?) and they form an opinion of you based on how you are in that second.
In that moment of exposing yourself, you are judged. I wrote more about it here in my post HAVE HOPE.BE BRAVE.LIVE LIFE.
Since then, this is what I have learned;
Never think for a minute that the opinion matters. That single opinion is not the basis of your self worth or you being as a whole. It its hard to dissociate the two but you have to.
How you acted once or maybe a more than few times doesn't determine who you are.
If you have opened up to others and find they react unexpectedly, that is not are reflection of who you are. So please don't take it that way. We all base our opinions on our own unique life experiences. So another persons reaction is a reflection of themselves.....not you.
You are everything you have ever experienced and ever thought. It's all rolled into one special human being sized identity. Ready and waiting to be expressed. You cannot express all your emotions and thoughts at once. Each jumbled thought and emotion that are so intrinsically linked in you head have to take turns. A given opinion depends on what you allow people to see in any given moment and how they interpret it.
Its not all on you.
So just be yourself....even if is it really hard.....and scary.
Yes, be your best self
Your best self, that's the end goal isn't it? But remember, I'm not talking about prefect, perfection isn't real and we all need a break from trying to meet an unattainable ideal.
Moving forward, I will write based on how I am now. Not how I was or who I want to be. I'm not here to write and worry about who may not like my words. Because someone out there will read them and hit them right in their core. It's to start over, to fail, to make mistakes, It okay to be misunderstood and judged, as long as we are being true to how we feel right now, that's all that matters.
Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter!
It's good to be back!