Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Old Blog, Fresh Start

(here is a picture of my yummy peanut butter and choc porridge - I'll share the recepie soon!)

In all honestly I have missed it.
I have missed writing, I have missed the therapeutic tip, tap, typing as I explore what I want to write about.
I just wasn't sure what to do or where to go with it. I would log into the blog and look at how I had let everything go. I would beat myself down about it and then leave again, letting months pass by. I stopped commenting on my friends blogs and I stopped interacting (except for instagram). I guess I had also been doing that in my real life to an extent. Some massive emotional shit storm has gone down in the past year and I'm just about getting over it..

Foggy clouds began to lift and that pang of guilt / excitement began again:
I miss wellmeaningbeing but have to deal with the fact that the blog is'nt so anonymous anymore, I wrote a post about in last September....... obviously didn't stay as confident about it as I was that day!
I remained way to worried about what people in my "real life" would say.

REAL LIFE.....what is that anyway?!!!
I was being so, so stupid. I chose the name wellmeaning - being (please write as all one word, I'm just using an example....take note pr people who email me!- not bothered, nope not one bit!).
Any way I'll start again, I chose it because I knew there would be slip ups, I'm never going to be perfect (hate that word!) and in all honesty this is my life. I'm very open on instagram (wellmeaningbeing) about how I deal with life, what works for me and want does not.

My blog is never going to be the most on trend, nor am I ever going to fuss over my camera for hours to get the most beautiful picture.. I'm not like that in real life so why should I be here - I can hear blogging experts crying in the distance.

So to my real life people who may or not read this, this is me. I have been hiding.

I hid myself for far too long
I found myself on here
I lost myself in cancer
I hid from the blog for a long time
I am back, still a little lost but that's okay. This is how I am right now.

Sometimes, it can be overwhelming for others to know that you are not at 100% (honestly who actually is?) and they form an opinion of you based on how you are in that second.
In that moment of exposing yourself, you are judged. I wrote more about it here in my post HAVE HOPE.BE BRAVE.LIVE LIFE.

Since then, this is what I have learned;

Never think for a minute that the opinion matters. That single opinion is not the basis of your self worth or you being as a whole. It  its hard to dissociate the two but you have to.

How you acted once or maybe a more than few times doesn't determine who you are.
If you have opened up to others and find they react unexpectedly, that is not are reflection of who you are. So please don't take it that way. We all base our opinions on our own unique life experiences. So another persons reaction is a reflection of themselves.....not you.

You are everything you have ever experienced and ever thought. It's all rolled into one  special human being sized identity. Ready and waiting to be expressed. You cannot express all your emotions and thoughts at once. Each jumbled thought and emotion that are so intrinsically linked in you head have to take turns. A given opinion depends on what you allow people to see in any given moment and how they interpret it.

Its not all on you.
So just be yourself....even if is it really hard.....and scary.

Yes, be your best self
Your best self, that's the end goal isn't it? But remember, I'm not talking about prefect, perfection isn't real and we all need a break from trying to meet an unattainable ideal.

Moving forward, I will write based on how I am now. Not how I was or who I want to be. I'm not here to write and worry about who may not like my words. Because someone out there will read them and hit them right in their core.  It's to start over, to fail, to make mistakes, It okay to be misunderstood and judged, as long as we are being true to how we feel right now, that's all that matters.

Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter!

Stay Well! 
It's good to be back!

Thursday, 15 September 2016

Hello Friends

I thought I should write something to say HELLO to friends of the blog.
Whether they be old or new!
It seems that since changing over to a new phone it has linked my wellmeaningbeing Instagram (you can follow it here, it has got a lot better due to my new phones fancy new camera!....promise!) to my personal facebook. So I have noticed that quite a few people from my real life have followed my blog life on Instagram.
I wont lie at first I cringed and tried to frantically find a way to un-link my accounts. When I couldn't and decided to calm down, i came to terms with it. If they like it great and if they dont? so what?

For over 2 and a half years, my little slice of the web has been my little wellbeing bubble. I shared my personal experiences in bettering myself, my ups and downs, my trials and my favourite things in life. I have made great friends through twitter (you can follow me here - shameless plug!) and blogging. I have found like minded people who share my interests, I've been to some really fun events and have met some fantastic brands. I love the opportunities that have come around, simply from having the courage to start writing. It's been great fun.

The reason I didn't mix my blog with real life, was because I didn't know how people would feel about cruelty-free, green beauty and actively being mindful of your own personal wellbeing. Because you know, not everyone whats to know your modern day hippie, slightly muddled, maybe even contradictory at times wellness lifestyle musings!
I loved the anonymity of it and it came in handy when even though I have not been writing as much as I used to, wellmeaningbeing was my safe haven during the breast cancer smack-down.

A few friends have known of the blog since the beginning, they read it from time to time and that was it no fuss. I have to be honest I have been wary of writing anything heartfelt since realising that the blog was not as anonymous as I had hoped.

But do you know what? SOD IT!
This is who I am, I blog when I want and this is my space. Take it or leave it. I want to get back into blogging and share with who ever wants to read it.
And do you know what kicked me up the butt?
My lovely sister, yeah, I know, I didn't even tell my sis!
She text me today, saying she had found my Instagram and wanted me to give her the recipe for my marinated aubergine.

And that just set off a light bulb, if someone is interested they will ask. They will let me know if we have a common interest. If they aren't bothered, then they aren't bothered! And that's fine by me. You can't please everyone, so you may as well do what keeps you happy and then see what comes your way.

So here is to blogging and to not worrying who reads it! x

Wednesday, 17 August 2016

One Year Clear

On the 6th of August 2015 I had my first ever operation. It was also an operation that was essentially saving life. It removed the small tumor that would have eventually, if left alone it would have manifested into something much less manageable then what it was when found. And that was scary.

To know that something inside can just turn against you, that some of your cells just don't want to behave is beyond annoying. It's like hang on, are we not all in this together? Why have you got to go fuck it up? Why can't you regenerate properly like the others?

Shit happens.

I've said that I have been down, I have had something hanging over me for a while. I was anxious.
As it has been a year that I had my operation I was due a visit to my lovely surgeon. My scar is twisted and tight some of the muscle has wasted away, I have dents my breast and my scar isn't flat and catches on clothes. It has been suggested that I have a scar revision later in the year. It was during this appointment that I mentioned that I have felt a couple of small lumps in my good breast, the right one. He checked for me to put my mind a ease and then suggested I have an ultrasound and mammogram, as he could feel like too. I wont go into it but there was a moment where they were unsure. And in that moment I relived the panic. I was reminded that I have actually done a a lot of healing.

It was like a massive slap in the face.....a good one. I needed it!

I am actually feeling a lot better, I'm much more comfortable in myself and the dread of that moment, threatened to take it away.

But, then I fortunately I got the all clear. I have to keep an eye out, obviously. I will be for the rest of my life.

But, now I can say that for a whole year, I have been cancer free. And that is an amazing thing.

It is time to move on, this confirmation feels like closure. I'm sure I'll stumble, I'm sure I'll be scared but I can do this. It's taken a full year to process what has gone on. Mentally I am feeling stronger. Dare I say like the old me again?

It is hard to feel happy when you know others are hurting, especially when in the same breathe you hear good news, you know someone else has gotten the bad. I think it is important to stay humble and to always know that you deserve your happiness and just hope that others will get theirs soon.

So here's to good health, wellbeing and happiness! 

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

How watching a Tony Robbins documentary gave me a better sense of wellbeing.

I have just finished watching the documentary Tony Robbins, I am not your guru.

Now, right off the bat I did find the language used by Tony quit extreme. And that comes from someone who does swear a fair bit. That's just a warning in case you decide to watch it after reading this and don't like strong language!

Seriously though, watching Tony Robbin's documentary, I am not your guru gave me a better sense of wellbeing. The documentary follows Tony and a whole host of people who have traveled from near and far to hear Tony's philosophy life and how to be better. It looks like the most intense adult wellbeing summer camp ever!

The two things that stuck with me whilst watching this documentary was Tony's philosophy that we only get what we choose to tolerate and that even though we may have had a lot of shit go on in your life, that you have seriously suffered, may of had a mental break down, have been or are being bullied. These are all things that can shape you in a positive way.

We only get what we tolerate:

This really struck a cord with me, if you carry on accepting what is going on in your life and don't try and change it. If it is making you unhappy, miserable, uncomfortable and you are choosing to tolerate it. Then you wont get anything other that those emotions, experiences and situations. Life will always give you problems, it's how you tolerate them that counts. If you feel like you cannot carry on, that you are so beat down then choose not the tolerate it anymore. Choose to deserve more. Choose you allow yourself the want a better lifestyle. To not feel guilty about wanting to change and letting yourself believe that you deserve better.

I really believe that we are brought up to put up with a lot of crap, to not be selfish, to not show that think highly of yourself. We are basically all self-deprecating.  Or at least I am, and I know many of those around are as well.

Mentally, I have not been where I want to be. I have seriously been tolerating feeling crap and not trying to change it. Hearing Tony's philosophy really rang true. I can change how i feel, I am the one who can go after what ever want, to be happier, to remember to be grateful, to look around to see the beauty of everything around me. To stop being down, to stop thinking of the crap that has happened and just not move past it.

Our experiences, no matter how bad, make us who we are and they make us better for it:

Now this one had my back up a bit. It made be feel really uncomfortable. I'm not going to list of all the crap that has happened, but I will say that a lot of good has also happened. It is just that the bad often over shadows the good. So why was this making me feel so uncomfortable?

I couldn't get past the fact that those who have had bad life experiences, who have gone through some shit can and should use them as life's lessons. To use them in a way that can make you a better person, use it to help other people and put it into action to push you forward when you are down.

I have never really seriously written down all my life experiences and then also written down truthly the lifes lesson that i can learn from it. I've decided that I will write it in a journal, a place where i can privatly and honesly, be open with myself and allow myself to heal and move on.

Because, just perhaps, I have never moved on. After each stubbling block i have never let myself learn from that experience and just let it build up on my shoulders. And then the next crap thing happens and I dont move on, I put that on my shoulders to. So i'm heavy, so heavy that i can;t look up and more and see that there is a way out. That I have chosen to the let everything get on top of me and that I can and should and will go through each and everything and lift them of my shoulders, look at it and move past it.

I will only take the lessons I have learned.

When I first started this blog, that is what I was trying to do. To share life experiences and what I had learned from it. To share my observations and received feedback and hear similar stories from other people.

I'm trying.

I'm trying to get past this last year and I really want to. I need to.

Why did the Tony Robbin's documentary bother me so much? Because he could see that a persons one problem wasn't just one problem, they were all linked. It was all of their life and how they had dealt with the problems they face is what defines them.

What it made me realise was this, having to go through having cancer made me re-visit every other bad thing that has ever happened to me. I was blaming myself, putting myself down and not getting past anything.

I think this is why I have been struggling with moving on. Because I never really have moved on from the previous life crap that I should have already dealt with (sorry past me!!).
So I will write it all down. Learn those lessons and use them to move one. To move forwards.

So even if he is a bit un-orthodox, Tony Robbins really does have some serious strength in lifting people up and making them see past there problems and that is a truly wonderful thing!