Wednesday, 23 July 2014

When other people can't deal with you not being married

I don't hate the idea of marriage, nor am I bitter or frustrated that I am not married. I don't feel like I need a piece of paper to establish or officiate a union between two people.

What frustrates me is this:

 When people discount how long a couple has been together before they actually got married. The question "how long have you been married?" completely de-values the time spent together in the run up to the four words a lot of girls long to hear.

I'm not even saying that I don't want to get married (I used to ALOT), I may do in the future. What annoys me is that the longer you are with someone, the more you are asked "when are you getting married".
Of course it is enevitable that people ask, however I do think personal questions like that could be dealt with delicacy rather than with demand.

As I approach my thirties I get asked more and more whether or not I'm engaged. I even had one lady grab my hand to inspect my ring finger as she asked me if I was engaged. Then in reply to my "no, I am not", she said "awwwww, oh well" and gave me a pitty pat on the back.

It was like she felt sorry for me. Seriously don't be.

I admire a shiney ring with the best of them. I have loved watching friends try on their wedding dresses. That is what feels right for them. What feels good for me right now is, being perfectly happy living with my boyfriend of six years and saving  for our first house together. To have somewhere of our own is far more important to me than a wedding.

A year and a half ago, after returning from a short ski break in Scotland. A work collegue announced that she had been positive that I was going to come back engaged. Our holiday to Mexico was no different. If was the first question I was asked by multiple people when we returned.

So when you have the urge to ask when someone is going to get married, no matter how long they have been in a relationship. Think about it for a second. Have they started the conversation? Are you going to feel offended if you don't like their answer?

I've had people bluntly tell me that, "if I don't intend to get married, why bother being with someone". I think that, that is an incredibly archaic way of thinking. I've had one women insesantly ask me "why, why don't you want a wedding day?" Why have I dreamed never of the big day? Why have I never been that bothered with a white dress?

I just simply have not. I know myself well enough to say that, I am also very afraid of debt and the average cost of a wedding frightens the life out of me. Maybe it has a lot to do with that my Mother has been divorced twice, so a wedding doesn't automatically mean forever. It offers me little reassurance.

I love celebrating my friends who are getting married and am so happy to see them enjoy their day. Apparently this is a contradiction to most people. I can't enjoy someone else's wedding if I don't want my own. Of course I can celebrate the love of two people, of course I can appreciate a wonderful dress, beautiful flowers and imaaculate hair and make up. I love all of that.

To me that is a wedding and a marriage is the union of two people in love, who want to work through the good and bad, spending their lives together. Maybe we will get that bit of paper one day. For now our love is already official. It just might not be seen that way without the paperwork to someone else.


  1. Amen to this! Sometimes I feel that the relationship between my boyfriend and I is discounted as being 'not serious' because of the sheer fact that we aren't married. It's disappointing - that in a day and age where we are much more secular - that marriage is still regarding as the ultimate goal for a woman.

  2. And then there's the questoin of wanting kids. Now that I'm not with my ex anymore (we'Ve been together for 9 years) people don't ask me about getting married but they ask about kids. Hummm I'm not going to make kids alone hahaha! It's like everyone else is pushing their own agenda for you.

  3. Urgh - frustrating isn't it?! My husband and I were together 7+ years before we got married and it came up a fair bit. The thing that always got me most was that people asked ME. Never him. Just me. Like they assumed he wasn't that bothered and I was crying myself to sleep every night waiting for that elusive sparkler. It felt like a double-edged insult!

  4. I will let you in to a little secret I was married at 24 and had child by 25, not because I had had that burning desire but because I had met someone who felt marriage was important and I was deeply in love. When I announced my engagement and later the fact that I was pregnant lot's of people told me they thought I was too young and it was a mistake, whichever way you do it people are judgemental about your decisions, harsh but true, just ignore them I do. Xx

  5. Aah this old chestnut along with the baby question.....neither of which I desire but apparently that makes me strange. I've been with my other half 10 years and I'm more concerned about getting a house than marriage. Most of the time I just tell people to piss off and mind their own business ;)

  6. I can't believe that in this day and age people are so obsessed with this. I think you can't win which ever way x

  7. I think it must be my job, but I tend to look at marriage more from a contractual point of view than in the traditional sense (or maybe I'm just terribly jaded!) and I really don't understand why some people are still so crazy about it. Sadly, I'm at the age where friends and family are plaguing me constantly about it (even though I'm not in a relationship?!), either that, or I'm being forced to go to everyone's weddings.

    I like a good get together as much as the next person, but the incessant chatter about babies and who's going to get married next bores me to tears and I'm not afraid to say it. They may call me cynical but at least I'm not going to have to go through the messy divorce 6 months later and argue about who's going to get the fancy kettle!

    Evelyn @ We Were Raised By Wolves

  8. There will always be something that people wanna poke their nose into! i don't understand why people nowadays still think it's okay to probe about personal matters like that, and if I want to tell you, I will without you asking me. Another thing I abhor is unsolicited advice. Bah!