Thursday, 31 December 2015

A wellmeaningbeing 2016


As 2015 rang in last year, I made myself some promises and then wrote them in a post called 15 for 2015 for all to see. I didn't quite get all of my goals done, but that's okay. What rang true for me this year is that life definitely gets in the way and it is okay to not get everything done that you had hoped for. Because what is important, is to not over stretch yourself and to no hold yourself to what you thought you wanted or needed. Things change, events happened and your opinions shift. So it's okay if some hopes and aspirations change.

Here is what I wanted for 2015:

1, run a marathon - DONE!
2, keep a constant exercise routine- nope, this has NOT happened! very much need to improve!
3, get back into reading -I've been reading a lot more! loving it!
4, volunteer- I am currently looking for the right opportunity
5, Pass my driving test- DONE!
6, make a house a home - In process
7, Bake a decent dairy free cake- The boy did make a lovely dairy free chocolate cake... if that counts?
8, learn a new skill - DONE!
9, say yes more - I'm trying
10, see more friends - I have been catching up with them all!
11, this will be the year of no hangovers - so far so good, no hangovers!
12, go on a long holiday - Not yet, maybe next year!
13, treat my mum to a special day out - Ive taken her out for dinner but still need a day out!
14, make time for selfcare-  I have had a whole month of me time, ready for the real world again.
15, be truly myself, at all times- Yes, this year, I have been truly and completely me!
 
For 2016 i'm not going to make any goals. I'm going to go with the flow and see what happens. Instead of making goals all there will be, is this.
 
 
I will aim to:
Eat better (because I have fallen off the bandwagon big time)
Buy less (I have more than enough)
Spend more (time with friends and family)
 
Blog wise for the later part of 2015 I was not blogging because, simply, I just did not feel like it. I'm never going to force myself to do something that I dont want to do. Now, I'm starting to get twitchy fingers, I'm starting to feel like my old self and feel encouraged to blog more. I want my posts to come from a place where I am fully engaged and happy to write. I want to be authentic in my thoughts that are expressed on here. So if that means wellmeaningbeing doesnt have a blogging schedule and I blog as and when feels right, that's okay by me.

So here is to 2016, may it be kind to you and you treat yourself well! 
Leave the bad behind. What ever negativity 2015 brought your way, leave it in the past with 2015.
2016 is yours for the taking. Honestly, there will probably be some kind of crap that we all have to deal with in the coming year. So there is no room for all the shit that happened in 2015 to come with you. Make some space, do your mental spring clean early. 

Here's to a wellmeaningbeing 2016. 

See you there! Lets make it a good one!
 

Monday, 14 December 2015

Taking a long overdue break

With a New Year just around the corner and the opportunity to take some serious time off before 2016 kicks in, I have been using the month of December as a type of stay-cation / reboot. It's a time for some much needed relaxing, copious cups of tea and taking it easy.

I had not noticed that I was really tired until I stopped. I was starting to feel run down. Run down by the events of this year, both happy and sad. I'm now in the process of getting a good routine going, filled with a decent amount of sleep, good food, a kick as skincare routine and some time to read a good book or two.

It's been the first time in over ten years that I have been able to have a month off and just ......BE.

Be with myself
Be still
Be Gratefull
Believing in good, great things for the year ahead

I've not done much else with my time, I've mostly been in my own company. It's been an important to not take it too seriously. It's been full of days filled with ease and stillness. And when I feel restless, I spend time with others.

I think, that after having to go through a hard life event for a long period of time, it is important to make some time to get back to some kind of normal. I'll never be the same, I have grown in a lot of ways. But for the past four - five months, I've had to let something else take over and just get through it. I had forgotten myself. Not completely, but if I'm honest, I wasnt all there, I was going through the motions, getting it done. Wanting it to be over.

And now I have had the luxury of a month off. The gift of time. I've not been doing much with it. Not by others standards. But, for me, this is enough, it is what I have needed and would encourage anyone else to the same, to have a time out, a stay-cation! It doesn't have to be for a month. It can be a long weekend. Make time for yourself, you are so important!

Friday, 13 November 2015

Making A Moment of Calm


Creating time for a moment of calm has been so vital for me at the moment.
Because, I'm not going to lie there have times recently that have been irate, scary and just down right draining! By taking a step back and being in the moment, you can gain some control back. Just taking some time to be with yourself. To catch your breathe and help you move on with your day. Is essential.

Even if it's just for a few minutes before you get out of bed. Perhaps it's a few deeps breathes to quieten a rushed lunch break. Or maybe you have the luxury of creating some time one evening to truly switch off and relax. What ever time you have, make sure you make time to unwind.

It is easy to let the world pile up on your shoulders. The weight of your worries, daily chores and the everyday grind can make you forget that you are in charge of how you feel. You can always give yourself some space, some time to loosen up and lift the weight off yourself. Self care, in my eyes, is like self preservation. You have to make yourself stop sometimes and just. be. calm.
 
My favourite time to enjoy the stillness of a serene moment of calm is on Sunday Mornings. Sunday morning is like a clash of the beginning and the end of a week. The slow start to Sunday's, even if I get up early, means that I don't feel rushed by the day. I'm in control, I have given myself time to move through the morning with ease.

The feeling of calm vibrates through me, as I sip on my warm cup of tea and sit with my thoughts, whilst deciding what to eat for breakfast. I then take the time to pamper myself with my skincare routine. Sometimes I want to wear makeup and other times I don't. Is this going to be day for chores or box set viewing? Who cares? These are moments of calm that I can create for myself, help me to engineer my day to be a good one. I've laid the foundation for a good vibes. And if successful, those good vibes and calm thoughts go on to create a happy week. I do make sure I take a time out for some calm and relaxation through out week, but Sunday is like my reset button.

Sunday mornings are my moments of calm....when's yours?


Tuesday, 10 November 2015

move through the fear to create the change



With all that has been going on, one thing has remained the same.

The need for change. It burned bright deep down inside me. It kept me going, it kept my motivation moving, churning, propelling me forward. I didn't want to stop, I didn't want the thought of cancer stop me from living. So, even though I was tired, I went to work. I worked because I like working, I like doing something with my day.

But the one thing remained the same.

I longed for changed.

So throughout treatment, I promised myself, that if I could make it through the past 4 months and still go to work between the hospital appointments. Still be at my desk by 8am most days and work to the best of my abilities.

I would allow change.

And change scars me.

But if not now, when?

If I don't make a change now, when will the change happen?

I am using the fear of the unknown to move forward.

So two days after I finished active treatment, I handed my notice in. I was honest and open with my boss and he fully appreciated where I was coming from. He asked me to come back to him a week later with what I wanted to do ( to try and make me stay) but I was firm and strong in my decision.

So now we have a plan, I will help find and train my replacement, then once that the hand over is complete, I will be on my way. I don't actually know what is next for me. But that is as exciting as it is scary.

For four years I have known one thing. And before the cancer shit storm, I had hoped that 2015 would be the year I would pursue a career.  A time to invite change. It is time to dust myself off and get myself back in the ring of life. 2015 can end and 2016 will begin with me moving forward positively.

It's time to branch out and try something new, because;

A Change is as good as a rest.

And fear is just a challenge waiting to be conquered.

This is my time

I'm ready.

(this was originally written on the 03/10/15)

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Banana Chocolate Vegan Breakfast Milkshake


As I sip on this milkshake I feel like I am cheating on breakfast. Although there is no guilt, for this is a weekend treat. For when you wake up and you want something yummy and sweet.

I give you, the very simple and very delicious,

Banana Chocolate Vegan Breakfast Milkshake (or whatever time of day it is!)

You will need:

A small ripe banana
A cup and a 1/2 of your chosen milk (I used Koko coconut milk)
1 Teaspoon of Chia Seeds
 2 Tea Spoons of Bioglan Super Foods Energy Boost Powder
Water or coconut water to top up the mix
Blend until smooth and chocolaty in colour.

This is delicious, as it used a whole banana this is sweet enough for me and gives me that sweet treat fix. Which sometimes you need to give a spring in your step on a weekend morning. You have worked hard all week, you deserve a treat!

I had this with a round of toast, as I wanted to make sure I was full until lunch.


I came across Bioglan as I was already on the look out for something to put a pep in my step in the mornings. I want an extra energy boost without relying on caffeine all the time. I have to be honest the first time I tried it, I blended the Bioglan Energy Boost Powder with just plain water. In my opinion this offers no flavour and doesnt taste very nice. But, when mixed in a smoothie and even in porridge the blend of Lucuma, Baobab, Hemp and Cacao really compliment each other and tastes delicious!

As well as being super tasty this blend of super powders has been put together by Bioglan to combat tiredness and fatigue with natural energy boosting antioxidants. It is also a natural source of B Vitamins, Magnesium, Protein, Iron, Amino Acids and Fibre.

Bioglan suggests putting it in your smoothies, baking, cereals and even juices. I'm looking to forward to trying the energy boost powder in their Apricot and Orange Energy Bites Recipe (found on the back of the packet).


Have you tried Bioglan before? Got any tips for me? What are you chucking in your morning smoothies, that I need to know about?

I brought this item myself and my opinions are my own.

Sunday, 11 October 2015

Earth Conscious Lavender Deodorant


This review has been a long time coming. Earth Conscious, an "earth conscious reusable, green, eco friendly store" got in contact with me a while back and asked if I would like to try one of their deodorants. I had been trialling a few other natural deodorants, but was yet to try a cream formula.

First off, I really enjoy the clean lavender scent and would really like to try their citrus and mint versions. I thought I would be really bothered about having to apply the cream deodorant by hand. It was not a massive deal. I thought I would be really lazy with it, but it just worked. I massaged a bit into clean underarms and let it dry whilst I carried on with my morning routine. It applies smoothly to the underarms and I have not had any irritation of the skin.

I didn't notice the deodorant transferring onto my clothes and the scent did help to prevent the midday stink. As it is just a deodorant, it definitely doesn't stop wet underarms, so if this is a concern I would be aware of that. I found that the deodorant worked really well when layered over the top of a crystal rock deodorant.

If you are looking for a reasonably priced natural deodorant and don't mind being hands on with your application, the Earth Conscious Lavender Deodorant* is worth a go. I think with any natural deodorant you are going to have to compromise on antiperspirant performance, at least I have not found one that works for both. I don't think you can compare it with a "normal" deodorant/antiperspirant, that wouldn't be fair. With natural formulas I would be okay with having to reapply during the day. A cream might not be the best to reapply when on the go, but at home or perhaps in a private wash room that would not a problem.




What they say:

A luxurious cream deodorant which will stop body odour like no other natural deodorant you have tried!
  • Eliminates Odour Effectively
  • Soothing all natural ingredients
  • Allows the natural process of perspiration
  • Free from parabens, aluminium and synthetic fragrances
  • EU Commission registered and safety tests completed to standard
  • None of the ingredients used are tested on animals and we do not test our finished product on animals
Ingredients for Lavender: organic coconut oil, organic arrowroot, sodium bicarbonate, organic shea butter, beeswax, organic lavender oil, organic tea tree oil


 Have you tried a natural deodorant? How did you get with on with it?
Let me know if you have any other suggestions for me!

* sent for review, all opinions expressed are my own.

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

Breast Cancer Awareness Month 2015 // My Story

Hello,

In the light that it is breast cancer awareness month, I would like to share something with you.

2015 has given me a lot firsts. This year, I learnt how to drive, I completed a marathon, bought a house and I got married....

2015 was also the year, that at 29, a month after my birthday I was told I had stage 2 breast cancer. The 30th of September 2015 marked the end of my active treatment. On the 6 of August 2015 I had my first ever operation, a lumpectomy and pioneering breast reconstruction and I have also had 19 sessions of Radiotherapy. I will be on Hormone Therapy for the next 5 years.

For me this has been a tough four months. It would be for anyone in the same position.

My early diagnosis, led me to have a successful operation with clear margins.

My early detection through self examination meant that it was not recommended that I need chemotherapy.

My persistence in getting a Breast Clinic referral meant that I have just a 6% reoccurrence rate.

I had to go to the GP 3 times before I got a referral. I had felt a small lump in my left breast, which in turn became very painful. So painful that I would literally have to hold my breast to ease the pain. These were my only symptoms.

Because of this pain and my age, the GP's reasonable thinking led them to believe that it was a cyst or menstrual fluctuation.

It is rare to be under 50, let alone under 30 and get a breast cancer diagnosis. 8000 women under the age of 45 are diagnosed each year. In total, 55,000 woman are diagnosed each year. There is a 1 in 8 chance that a woman will get breast cancer in her lifetime. Men can also get breast cancer, 538 men on average are diagnosed each year.
As a population we all have a one in three chance of having cancer.

After going to the GP TWICE and having the GP try to put my mind at ease. I carried on with life for a bit. I moved into my house and I completed (albeit slowly) the London marathon 2015 for Cancer Research.
At mile 18, I cried. I cried because for the first time I let myself think "what if this fucking lump in my breast is Cancer".

I went back to the doctors again mid May and with determination, demanded a Breast Clinic referral. But it seems I didn't need it. Because it was my third time going to the GP, she said she would have sent me anyway. But "not to worry, it's not cancer."

So for 2 weeks, I worried that I was wasting everyone's time.

But, unfortunately I wasn't.

On the day of my appointment, holding my best friend's hand, I had an ultrasound and biopsy that would give me my diagnosis a week later.

Stage 2 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma 


 It has been a long 4 months.

But I have come out of the other side and the prognosis is so positive. This sadly is not the case for many others out there.

This message is not to cause fear or worry. I just hope to encourage you to be aware of your body. So aware that if anything changes, you know yourself if it is right or wrong. And if you don't like your initial diagnosis, get a second opinion. - that goes for anything, not just your boobies or cancer concerns. Don't wait and see, go get what ever is bothering you checked out!

I would really hope it is nothing too serious, but it is better to check it, then to leave it.

" you better check yourself before you wreck yourself" In all seriousness and well-meaning, take care of yourself and I hope you never hear the words "it's cancer".

The 1st of October marks the first time in 4 and a half months where I don't have a ton of hospital appointments. In fact October is completely appointment free!

And because of my early self detection and diagnosis , I reckon I've got many more firsts to come.

Much Love,
Liz

P.s websites that have helped me were:

Coppafeel: http://coppafeel.org/

Breast Cancer Now: http://breastcancernow.org/

Breast Cancer Care and their AMAZING nurse helpline:https://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/

Cancer Research UK: http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/

And if you want to refresh yourself of how to self examine, here is a good infographic, courtesy of Coppafeel's website.
 
 

For a guide on how to check this one is really helpful, please take the time to check yourself. It takes no time at all, you can even so it in the shower. I actually found mine in the shower. To remind yourself to check these awesome products from Sniffy Wiffy have self examination guides on the label. So you don't even have to think out it. You are already naked and your boobs are just out there already waiting for some attention!

 So give it to them!



 

Wednesday, 30 September 2015

My Cancer in Numbers

3 GP Appointments
1 Breast Unit Referral
2 week wait
1 Breast Cancer Care help line call
1 Breast Cancer diagnosis
2 ultrasounds
3 biopsies
1 mammogram
2 Mri's
I genetics test
10+ Surgeon appointments
2 hospital visits
1 surgery
1 over night stay
1 drain for 3 days
2 weeks off work
2 district nurse visits
7 assisted showers
1 burst wound
1 emergency hospital visit
1 manual drainage
3 dressings
1 scar
1/3 of a new boob
2 months of wearing a post surgery support bra
1 pathology result
6% reoccurrence rate
19 sessions of radiotherapy
2 oncology follow ups
5 years of hormone therapy (tamoxifen)
Countless cups of tea
Too many kind words to mention
Many lovely friends and family
Lots of phone chats and catch up texts.
Plenty of tears and cuddles.

Check ups planned for 2 months, then 6 months time.

It's time to take stock. Sit back and Relax.

It been a long 4 months, but that is not as long as what some people have to deal with.

I look forward to the next list I make.

lots of good things planned for the future!

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Radiotherapy / The Final Countdown

On Wednesday the 30th of September 2015, at 5pm-ish, I will have finished my radiotherapy treatment. This will mark the end of my active treatment for Breast Cancer.

It's been a long month.

I chose to work throughout the month and have been having radiotherapy sessions after work. The long days combined with treatment, has led me to be extremely fatigued and having little time to really rest.

I didn't really think about the fact that I may have gone back to work very quickly. Two weeks after my operation, I was back at my desk and if I'm honest I felt quite lost. I was still recovering. Thankfully, I was allowed to take it slow and easy.

Because of that, I at least had a week and a half of just being back at work and getting back into the work routine until the daily trips to the hospital began. Except for the first session, where my mother held my hand so to speak. I have taken myself to each and every one of my radiotherapy sessions. It's been something that I have done for the most part, on my own. It has been the only part of this cancer treatment process where I have gone myself, been by myself and just was myself. Just a single figure waiting in the reception for their treatment.

Being on your own makes it blindingly obvious when people are looking at you. I stick out most days. I was on my own, in my work wear and at least 20 -30 years younger than anyone else in the waiting area. You could sometimes see the struggle on the strangers faces, whilst they try to work out why I'm there. until the answer is literally shouted out when the  Nurse calls my name.

Yes, ladies and gents, I'm having radiotherapy too.

It's not all bad.

Sometimes, you get a hello from a familiar face. Perhaps you get an all knowing smile thrown your way as you pass paths on your way to the radiotherapy room.

Because really, no matter what our age, gender or reason.

We have all been brought here for the same cause. We have all be fighting the same fight.

So I sit down and offer a smile to anyone who looks my way. I read my book and wait my turn.

I wait for my name to be called.

I'm waiting for my name to called for the last time.

It will be glorious.

Sunday, 20 September 2015

Twelve Beauty Natural Skincare // Ideal Moisture Level Serum



I've have been using the Twelve Beauty Natural Skincare Ideal Moisture Level Serum since May, I brought it when A) I was in need a little luxury and B) my skin had been freaking out and had become very, very dry and red in places. I first tried the product when having a makeover by the make up artist at Content Beauty & Wellbeing, who applied it to my skin before applying any make up.

It is packed full of skin saving antioxidants like White Genepi and Butterfly Bush leaf Extract to offer protection from free radicals and UV damage. It also contains Mallow Flower Extract which can help soothe irritated skin, as well as gently boosting moisture levels.

The first thing I notice was how relieved my skin felt. And then how soft.

Twelve Beauty skincare is what I would call low high end, when comparing the companies price range with other high end natural brands. Which, is posh enough for me ( I can be cheap!). This slinky glass bottle set me back £45. I have made my way through over half of it, in four months and I don't feel guilty about it, it has been a treat to use. It's not gotten rid of all my dry patches, but I really think that is has prevented patches coming back and calming down the one that remains around my brows.

I love how  it applies to my skin and dries almost instantly. I use it before I apply my moisturiser, morning and night. It does not feel like I have multiple layers of product on my skin, and that's just how I like it. I don't like feeling like my face could slip and slide off because of all the creams or oils I've put on it. This serum is just right for adding a little bit extra something, something to your routine (in my humble opinion).

This serum is designed for very dry to mature skin. It can help to regulate the skin and leaves a protective barrier, locking in moisture to defend sensitive skin against, extreme weather conditions and central heating.

It is also meant to help with skin going through hormonal changes, so perhaps the serum is helping my skin cope with the introduction of the tamoxifen, because my skin has been a tiny bit spottier but not anything as crazy as I was expecting. But, I can only assume!

The serum itself is light in texture and delicate in scent, smelling ever so slightly slightly of florals and botanicals. Nothing to strong, the scent just fades into nothing as you carry on with the rest of your skin regime. Which again is perfect for me, I don't like feeling as if I have a bouquet stuck up my nose for half the day.


Here is what Twelve have to say about this delightful serum:

"Every TWELVE product contains a special blend of four powerful antioxidants and nutrients:

  • White Genepi extract – protects the skin with anti-oxidant and radical scavenging properties.
  • Imperatoria Leaf extract – has an astrigent action along side strong anti-inflammatory properties.
  • Mallow Flower extract – a soothing, anti-irritant with gentle moisturising properties.
  • Butterfly Bush leaf extract – offers anti-oxidant protection against UV."

The entire TWELVE collection is completely free from parabens, sulphates, silicones, petrochemicals and glycols. Formulas are plant based and meet stringent requirements on green chemistry. They are also naturally scented with floral extracts and traces of essentials oils and use only natural emulsifiers.












So, have you tried this serum? Or anything from Twelve for that matter?

Would you pay £45 for a serum? Or more?

Tell me what you think and leave me any of your light weight serum reccomendations!


Wednesday, 16 September 2015

A Lighter Morning

Today was the first morning that I awoke and did not feel sad, worried or down.


Each morning before this one, I have opened my eyes and felt heavy.


The heaviness does lift intermittently but then forces its weight back down on me.


Some days it feels like a ton on my chest.


All my emotions cruppled up in my ribs, crushing my lungs.


Today.


Today I awoke, light.


I felt the ease of the morning.


Still sleepy, I dozily went about my morning routine. So blissfully unaware of the past few months.


I didn't associate taking my morning tamoxifen pill with cancer. After 29 days of taking it each morning, without fail, it has become habit. An essential, cancer preventing habit. But today I didn't feel the enormity of it.


I just gulped it down and got on with my morning.



I didn't even look as my scar when dressing.


I drove to work and thought about the day ahead. Not about what if cancer ruins it, what if it will return. Cancer will ruin everything if you let it.


But no more. At least not for this morning.


Today I really felt it.


I really could be / should be cancer free.


I have 11 more radiotherapy sessions to go. I'm half way through.


 It wont ever be over, not really.


But this morning was a hopeful glimpse of the future. Where cancer is not the my first thought of the day.


I really looking forward to it.

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

All Clear

So,  I can't ever say that I have had the "all clear" or that I am cured.

What I can say is that my operations pathology results were extremely positive. I have been told that I have clear margins and no lympth node involvement. As good as it can get.

So the next step, as previously thought, is radiotherapy. The Oncologists at my Hospital did not recommend chemotherapy. As they think it would be more detrimental to my health than it would be a benefit. I struggled with this decision for a while. Why couldn't I throw everything at it? But as they see it, there is nothing there to have anything thrown at it.

So, if there are any bastard mutating cells left in my boob, then I really hope the radiotherapy zaps them into oblivion!  Radiotherapy does have it's own set of side effect. But because it is targeted therapy, it will only harm the area treated. When I say harm, I will be likely to have very red, sensitive skin, be more prone to skin cancer and because my cancer was on the left side, it could cause long time side effects to my heart. It's all serious. But then so is cancer. So I'll get on with it and deal with what comes my way.

I will be writing a more detailed post about it. But, I hope that my prognosis will show at least one person that early diagnosis is the best thing in a shitty situation. Self examination is the only way that you are going to find a lump early (in my own opinion). Taking notice of how your body feels and how it normally works will guide you when something bothers you. Do not delay in getting it seen by your doctor and perservire if you are not fully confident in their opinion.

I am also a week into my hormone therapy. 5 years of Tamoxifen. It will block any cancer cells from using my oestrogen to grow. It's not perfect, it does not stop it forever and when I stop taking it, it means that a flood of oestrogen will flow through my body once more, hopefully there wont be any bully cancer cells lurking, waiting to take hold. But taking Tamoxifen does lower the risk of reaccurance. So I shall take it and I hope I can handle the side effects (which I will not go into right now, but all I will say is, menopausal side effects and plenty of them! JOY)

As this goes on, I have a feeling that I will become a lot more interested in nutrition and how eating well will benefit me and ease what ever side effects I may experience.
 
I will also be working on my mental wellbeing, which to everyone's surprise (even my own) has been very resilient. I thought I was in deniel, I worried why I wasn't crying harder and more often. But I just didn't and wasn't. That wasn't how I dealt with it.
 
 
But that's the thing. NOW there is no IT, to speak of. Great. It truly is great. I think the problem with coming to terms with the fact you have experienced cancer and the over whelming fear it instils in you, is this;
 
The fear does not go away. When you are diagnosed. You get upset, angry, scared. And then in my case motivated. Motivated to keep positive and get the fucker out of me. There was an it, a thing that was not welcome and I was constantly telling it jog on, to get out!
 
Like a cancer cell, the fear mutates. NOW my fear is not an IT. It is an IF.
 
What if?
 
When I voice my concerns about What if this? What if that? I understand what my friends and family tell me.
 
You can't live your life that way.
You can't beat yourself up
What if you got hit by a bus?
What if you regretted not following your dreams.
What if you reach old age and feel a void.
 
Even though literally I have no void, as I was lucky to have breast reconstruction. Figuratively speaking there is a void that the lump has left within me. It is not constant, but sometimes, it opens and my fears pour out and my positivity gets sucked into the dark. WHAT IF it comes back. WHAT IF it is not all out of my body.
 
Let me tell you what I know.
 
Hopefully you wouldn't see that bus coming before it knocked you down. Your first Cancer Diagnosis, will knock you down. Friends, family and a team of medics will be there to help you get back on your feet and then you are left on your own. To deal with it. You don't have to die from being hit by a bus, you don't have to die if you get cancer. But once you have had cancer you will always be unsure about what's around the corner. Don't try and tell me that if you were hit by a bus, you wouldn't be looking left and right before took your next step.
 
Cancer will not rule me. But for a time it became a part of me. And it will forever leave a mark. It is up to me how big that mark will be. I hope it will become smaller as time goes on.

Thank you for your support and kind words.

BIG LOVE

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Five days post surgery

All I can say is this, when you are told to just rest. Resting is boring. But I need it. Sometimes we all need to take a step back and make ourselves have some epic relaxation time.

On the 6th of August 2015 I had my first ever operation. It was four and half hours long. I woke up with a new scar, a drain coming out of me and a slightly smaller, but not that ugly left boob. I was able to have some breast recon after my lump was removed.

If some way, shape or form this operation has saved my life. I find out next week if I will need another operation, if I will need chemo and if there where any other cancerous cells found around the lump. But for now, I cant help but let myself think that right now, this could be the worst it gets. If it does get worse, if I get news that my prognosis has changed and that I will need more treatment, I will find a way to deal with it. But, for now that is a hurdle i'll have to jump come Monday. For now, I am resting and giving myself time to heal.

I have been watching back to back episodes of Happy Endings!- LOVE IT
Calling my besties,
Taking naps
Meditating
Reading lots of magazines
And just,

Accepting.

Accepting that this has happened. Accepting that it is shit. Accepting that yes, I am scared. But I have also accepted that I am now in need of creating a new normal. Liz 2.0 is currently under construction.

Accepting change is the only way that I will be able to move forward. I have a feeling Liz 2.0 is going to kick some serious ass! 


Monday, 3 August 2015

Dear Lump

(warning my lump pic is down below!)

Dear Lump,

Hopefully in a couple of weeks time my hopes will be confirmed. That after you are removed on Thursday, I will be cancer free. That none of you remains. No evidence of disease. I can never be 100 percent certain that one of your little cells hasn't broken off already. Floating around to find somewhere else you can get comfortable. But, I can hope that pathology will confirm the MRi, that no cancer will be found in my lymph glands.

How amazing would that be. No evidence of disease. No feasible evidence of cancer. What will remain is how your increasing mass has affected my thoughts, from good to bad. Prominently good. I want to do good. I want to live with good thoughts, good deeds and a good heart. And having you take residence has reminded me not to take anything for granted. I will grab hold of my life and enjoy everyday. I will get through the bad days, so I can relish the good ones. Accept the ying and the yang.

It's all good.



If there is reasonable doubt that you have not been completely removed or that you have made your way to my lympth nodes. I will remember the hope that is in my heart today. That I know I can do this and soon you will be no more than an memory. A life lesson that I will keep with me everyday. Everyday, it a good way. If it starts to haunt me I will remind myself that I can be in control of somethings.

And that control starts with a happy healthly mind.

So I write this:

Dear Lump,

you are not welcome
dont get too comfortable
this is your eviction notice.
sayonara cacinoma!


Sunday, 2 August 2015

When your operation is Cancelled

F.Y.I: I wrote this on Friday. Was going to make a picture, I then felt lazy and didn't.

*insert pretty picture here*

Today, I feel like I am in mourning.

For this morning, I should have awoken in hospital after having my operation to take away the little malfunctioning lump! Alas, this did not happen. After the 7am check in, the not eating from 2am, not drinking water from 6am and the injection in the nipple (OUCH), getting marked up for surgery and even getting a bed and put in a sexy ass patient gown. I was told at 2.15pm that I would not be having my operation.

Because, COMPUTER SAYS NO!

Basically 43 operating theatres broke down when a computer glitch meant that blood transfusions where not working. I could have had my op, but the surgeon felt that because of delays that the surgery would have actually been rushed and he didn't want that.There simply was not enough time. So on the positive, at least I feel cared for. It is shit but I have to think how stressed all those people where when the computers went down, when operations were going on. It must has been awful.

So as I wait for my next operation date I will reflect on how ready I felt for the surgery. It was a long day but everyone, even Nurses commented on how calm I was.

I truly was calm.
Little mantras ran through my mind to keep me focused.
"This is scary, but you are a grown woman and you can do this"

That was my must constant one. Not the most poetic, but it was the most helpful.

Positive thoughts really are very powerful. As long as they mean something to you, the positive words you create for yourself are the best things you can hold in your mind during difficult times. Making mini mantras has really helped me and kept me focused.

I have to preserve the surgeons markings as best I can. This way the whole process wont be as long next time. We hope. So I  have these really cool clear stickers to put over my boob to keep some of the surgeons drawings as crisp as possible. As fate has it, it has meant that the red blob that shows exactly where my stupid lump is has been kept as perfect as possible. So for now I shall "look after" that lump. Just so I know I've done my bit to help remove it! and when it is gone.

I'll think "so long sucker!".


Friday, 24 July 2015

A Little Update

I thought I should give an update on what been going on. And I feel lucky to say, that it has all been positive.

I got my genetics tests back and I have been told that I do not have the BRCA1 and 2 mutations genes, I was informed that this is not 100% accurate, but that its good for now. I will be tested for other genes over the next year.

Another Mri on my right boob has shown that it is normal - YAY! The mass has gone down and yes, basically it is a bit weird but it is completely normal. So no need to have surgery on that side.

I got myself a fertility appointment this is the only slightly crap bit of news. If I wanted to as a preventative measure, preserve some eggs, it is to late now before my operation. Which is annoying because I have had 2 months of waiting and could have fitted it in if I had been referred directly by my consultant when I had asked 2 months ago. ANYWAY. I can do it if I need it. And I will need if I will be having chemo. I will be told the yes or no on the chemo front about 2 weeks after my op. The county where I live does not fund IVF on the NHS for cancer patients. So I would have to pay for it myself. Very expensive , but in my eyes completely worth it.

I know that it is controversial for some, but if it is my only option to have an "insurance policy" as such, that I could have children. Then I want to do it.

Next I had a pre operative assessment and discussed my options for surgery.  As I have not been blessed with the largest of breast, the surgeon offered a newish procedure called a Perforator Flap with Breast Reconstruction and lymph node removal. So it is still a Lumpectomy, I will just have a different scar. It will be quite large and start from under my breast and wrap around my side.

This option was the best for me. The Simple Lumpectomy would have been easier, however the deformation of my breast would have been very pronounced. I know it shouldn't be about image, but due to the size of the lump in correlation with my breast, it would have been quite a difference.

This way the surgeon is also able to take more tissue out around the lump and then fill in the hole with my own fat.- NICE!

This way, I know I'm doing the best for myself and to hopefully have the best chance of getting it all out of me.

I'm doing well, I am nervous. I have never had to had an operation before.

If anyone has any advice of how to heal and soften the looks of scars (natural products please) then please tell me! I will be most grateful.

BIG LOVE

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Wellness and Cancer

Of course this space will always be a wellness blog.
Of course, I had never envisaged this being a cancer related blog
 I'm going to make sure that it will never solely be the main focus.
What it always will be, is this:

thoughtful words on being well in ever facet of life.

 Now if that have breast cancer. I'm going to write about it

I've chosen not to write a separate blog. This blog is a lifestyle blog. Cancer will now forever be a part of my lifestyle.

So I will still share my thoughts on life, just like I always have and some of those thoughts will be focused on cancer

But

And this is a big BUT

I want to keep my head, I want to stay mindful, I want to stay as upbeat and as grounded as possible.
I will vent, I will get sad, I will be honest.
Honestly is always the best policy.

My words, my wounds, my wisdom, my wellness journey.

Suprise yourself


There are times when you surprise even yourself.........

I thought I would be a crier
A breaking down, crying on the floor, you can't console me crier.

From the week I was told that I might have cancer, I had thought that with that kind of news rolling around in my head that I would be in tears, non stop drops of sadness, dampening my face for the whole week.

but, I didn't. I wasn't. I really surprised myself.

I sobbed ridiculously hard for a few minutes on the treatment table when I had been told that I had to have biopsy.

I let a few tears roll when I had to speak to the radiologist and I saw right into her eyes, seeing the deep concern that resided in those deep pools of icy blue, I don't think i will ever forget the look in her eyes.. I was told I would get the confirmed results in a week. But she was almost certain that it was cancer.

I then had to navigate my way out of the steepest hospital car park, drop my best friend who held my hand through the whole thing in town and then drive to work to tell them the situation.

I welled up but didn't cry

Get home

I still don't cry

I hug my boyfriend

Tears fill my eyes

But I have just cooked some delicious spaghetti. So we sit down to eat it and discus how shit this is (the cancer not the meal!) and what may happen.

Bed. Sleep. Rest

Saturday-Wake up, feeling refreshed.

A few seconds of normal. Then the heaviness sets in. I shake it off.

I head to the train station and enjoy with journey to London. I attend a facial course, really enjoy it and pass first time. No tears that day. Just pissed that I didn't do the course sooner. I really want to create a career for myself involved in relaxation.

Meet a best mate and get the emotional wobbles but I am okay. We head to a vegan restaurant on oxford circus and it is a delicious feast for my tastes buds. I had a great laugh with a true friend, for a while I forget about my pending diagnosis and then head home.

Sunday- numbness sweeps over me but I'm okay, maybe a few tears fall. I tell my parents the situation over the phone. That was rough. as. hell.

Monday - I had already decided that I would go to work, it is not too bad. Go home, think of Christmas. That our first Christmas in our one month old home might be ruined by cancer. It's 6 months away and I'm thinking of Christmas! The emotions are real people!
I lay on my boyfriends chest and let my self cry for a bit. When I get up his t-shirt has a patch, wet through with my tears.

I go to bed.

Tuesday- I wake up at four. Feel shaky. My boob's lump feels angrier and larger today, is it the biopsy or am just cancer paranoid now? either way it sucks. (turns out that it was the biopsy!)

I hold my amazing boyfriends hand while we brush our teeth. I obviously look like I'm going to cry but he is giving me the sad face, that does not help matters! I keep it together and make sure I eat breakfast.

Leave for work, music on full whack in the car. I enjoy singing to uptown funk before I go into work. For that short amount of time I feel completely and utterly like myself.

I stare into the car mirror. I notice that my eyes are a bright hazel and that for now, I don't look half bad. I will almost call my self pretty. Not with arrogance, but will appreciation. It's amazing how much you start to love yourself, when you think your "whole self" is going to be taken away.

Its on my mind but I keep myself occupied at work. Keeping busy really helps

Only, Wednesday and Thursday to get through and Friday I get told my what if. I will get my definitive answer. Not knowing anything is truly the worst. Especially for a planner like myself. I like to PLAN people!
I see my Dad after work which had been planned before this shit went down. His goofy hilarity kept me going. He brings me back to the crazy kind of normality I'm used to. I had a minor wobble. We chat and we eat some great food, I enjoyed a delicious sandwich and fries. We shared an unusual apricot and kiwi crumble, which turned out to be immense! I want to eat that again!
It's Tuesday night, and I'm driving back home to the town that my boyfriend and I have just moved to, I talk out load to my self. I will die someday, but I am not dying right now. Not today. I have too much to live for. I will do everything available in my power to fight this and live for as long as possible.
I cry quite heavily on Simon. The gravity of it has hit me. I don't want to leave him. I don't want to leave anyone.

Then a quiet stillness comes over me.
At least I've had this.
And its been great.
If it is cut short it would be fucking awful. not just for me, but for loved ones around me.
Which is another reason to fight to keep my good life even more.

Wednesday- I wake up with a start at 4am. I have to see my Mum tonight and I know she will cry on me. I'm not up for it. I want to see her, I just don't want to see her cry or talk about it all the time. I want to finished painting my garden fence white! That is seriously all I want to do. I want to finish what I started.
I sing in the car on the way to work. For the first time in ages the sky is blue and sun is shining. It is a beautiful day.

Wednesday became my bitch! I didn't cry all day, I sing my heart out in car home. I actually start talking (aggressively) to what ever is in my left tit and tell it, that it is not welcome. That I have been through to much to let it win and it has picked the wrong lady to mess with. I am mentally stronger than ever, if this shit ton of crap was going to happen, it may as well me now. Not when I have kids etc.

I see my Mum for the first time after telling her over the phone. She also surprises me, I need to give her more credit. She didn't crumble in to tears (at least she did not in front of me). We ate some strawberries and chatted. Then I asked about my Grandmas history with  breast cancer. It was painful for my Mum but we got through it. She is a lot stronger then she thinks.

I go to bed with a few deep breathes and wait for Thursday morning.
I wake at 4.30am, it is hard to get back to sleep but I manage to drift off again. I think for a second that I feel way to emotionally wreaked to go to work. Then I snap out of it, I have worked all week, work is good for me. I go to work and I have a lot to do, so I get stuck in.

Just one more day and one more night.

I want to spend my last unknown evening with Simon and enjoy being with him, being close with him, I love him. I paint my nails, I take some time for myself and chill out. I feel kind of almost normal. Except for my tiny but hard core crying out burst right before I fall asleep.

So, Friday the 5th of June 2015 arrives.

And even though I knew what the news was going to be, I was kind of, sort of okay. I had a slight anxious moment going into the breast clinic but once I was in there I was alright. I knew there would be a treatment plan and I knew I just had to the hear the diagnosis and get on with it. Of course I had hoped that it would not be cancer, but something about the radiologists face after I had the initial biopsy just told me (call it intuition) that I knew what it was already. I have breast cancer.


I'm not ever going to lie about it, knowing this scares me. It's terrifying. But I refuse to let terror consume me. And yes, it is justified when I am sad or feel angry. But I choose to not let it ruin my day. It passes. The doubt, the fear, the resentment. It passes. And you are left with the unsinkable want for pro-activeness, to be positive and live as well as you can. At least that is what has happened to me!

So this past week I have surprised myself, I've kept it together. I've had wobbles but that is normal.
If you have wobbly moments and you feel like giving up just hold on to any kind of solid thought in your mind to get the through the wave.

The shit storm.

Let the wave crash against your happy thoughts, determined thoughts, maybe, they are angry thoughts. Whatever helps you build resistance.
In my case, I perceive that my wobbles for the foreseeable future will be cancer based. But it applies to everyone, you can do it. It is tough, it is crap, but you can do it. You can get through it.

You can do anything

You deserve it. To be here, to fight and live how you want. No apologies.
Sometimes there will be situations that test us and those challenges let us have an insight in to who we truly are.

I hope that I can continue being the strong woman that has taken hold this past week. I really like having her around.


(I wrote this while I was going through the week of not knowing what my diagnosis was. It is now the 7/7/15, a month has past. No treatment has started yet. I'm still waiting to have an mri led biopsy on my right breast and waiting for my lumpectomy for the left. But I'm still hopeful, that even if I have been naive about what may be ahead. I don't know what's ahead. I can't possibly know what is ahead of me. Even if cancer hadn't decided to grow in me. I. would. not. know. the. FUTURE.
I don't know what is ahead of me, I know what is happening right now. There is no time for WHAT IF'S?, there is no point. So I'm a month in, it is early days and I'm still going strong. Lets see where treatment takes me, I hope to come out of it wiser and stronger. That's all I can hope for)


Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Tell it how it is


I'm afraid that it took getting a breast cancer diagnosis to make me really, truly, tell it how it is.

To start telling people how I want to live my life.

I have been scuttling around, cultivating a beauty routine filled with lovely natural products, I've been eating well and living mindfully. I have been honest and true. To myself.

I had not however been too vocal about it outside of my own mind. Or outside of this blog, bar a few people who seemed interested and accepting.

It was time for a change!

So I wrote a firm but polite email to those close to me and explained, without no apologies, my current lifestyle choices. This read as follows:

Hello lovely people,

I just wanted to let you all know how I would like to continue lifestyle wise throughout treatment and beyond. I am writing this as an email so I don't have to explain my choices constantly and hopefully wont be seen ungrateful or difficult in the future.

As well as not eating any dairy products:

I will be giving up all processed red meat; ham, sausages, chorizo, corned beef, store brought burger patties etc. I will also not be eating any meat cuts from any dairy producing cattle- Cow, Goat, pig etc.  I can eat chicken, duck, turkey (in small quantities).

I will not be eating any processed snacks and sweets or white breads. Fruit and nuts are fine. Vegan (dairy free) and low sugar desserts are also fine.

I will not be drinking alcohol for the foreseeable future ( which is good anyway, as I get hung-over after one drink!)

For the past year and a half, I have been changing my hair, beauty, skincare, body care and perfume products to natural, organic and cruelty free items. It can be hard to navigate what is truly natural and cruelty free. So if you want to buy me such a gift for Christmas or birthday, I can tell you what I would like or you could buy me a voucher for a certain store etc.

I do not use synthetic scented candles and only buy candles made of natural waxes and dyes, again please ask before you buy me something, so I do not waste a thoughtful gift.

I hope you don't find this list bossy, I just wanted to let everyone know my current lifestyle choices. Please don't alter how you cook a dinner if I am a guest, I will just have an extra serving of vegetables etc and I can also bring an extra dish of food to share!

Thank You, See you all soon.

Lots of Love

Liz xx

The response has been good and a few people have even commended me for it. Well, at least to my face I have had no complaints. There has even been a few jokes. Especially from my Dad, "What about man-made-fibre-hessian-underpants...are these in or out?". Yeah, very funny Dad. However hessian pants would rub some what, so I replied  "rough pants out,  fair trade organic cotton pants are in!".
Anyway, please don't wait like I did to properly commit to who you are. Not just to yourself but in the way you present your self outward to others. Make sure people see and respect you for who you want to be. Who you are striving to be. I guarantee you that they will like what they see and may even surprise you, by not being that surprised about the new (to them) changes at all!

Because if you are being true to yourself, your authenticity will shine through. And, there is no arguing with that! 
 (and finally, if they do argue with you then perhaps it's best not to waste the energy! carry on with what makes you happy and leave them to their own devices!)



Wednesday, 17 June 2015

waiting

So perhaps I spoke too soon.

I had waited, but maybe not long enough to write about my diagnosis. Alas, I had more in store. The MRI picked up and confirmed that the cancer in the left breast seems to be contained and has not spread to my lymph nodes (yay).

However, the MRI also picked up a mass of what looks to be precancerous cells in my right breast. Funnily enough, in a similar area and size as the lump in my left one. So I guess at least I'm symmetrical (funny, only when I say it).

So I await more tests, I had to have 3 biopsies on my poor right boob and will find out soon if they think it is cancer or not. From there, I will have to decide what treatment to have, I will also have to wait for my genetic test results to make a full on, I've got all the facts I could have, decision.

I feel like I'm swimming up shit creek right now. With out a paddle, map, compass or boat! NICE!

I thought I had gotten over the not knowing part, I wanted to be past the feeling weak stage. Which is when I wrote about my diagnosis. I felt strong and defiant against the cancer in one of my breasts. Two breasts, really is twice the worry. For me at least.

I am still remaining as up beat as possible, I am still going to work, still seeing friends, still being me.

It just seems that during what was becoming the year of my self acceptance, in body and in mind. Has become a year that will be consumed by overcoming cancer and recovery.

I had so much planned for my 29th year and this was not it. But I am not letting it take over everything,

Mark my words.

I will have a plan! Whenever your direction changes. Whenever you feel like you have lost your path. It's time to re-acess things. You can still make it to your destination. You are just going to have to take another route!
    

Thursday, 11 June 2015

It is the best news in a crappy situation



When I got told that there was a very good chance that I had breast cancer, the first thought I had was, "but what else could it be?" and then

fuck. shit. wank.

I cried during the biopsy and I was told that I would have to wait a week to be given a definitive answer.

I had to pull myself together, I needed to go to work as I was only meant to have a half day off, I explained the situation and my boss immediately said go home and gather my thoughts.

I didn't,

Instead I hung out with my best friend, had a nice lunch and did some shopping (retail therapy equals skinny black jeans).

I then had to wait for my boyfriend to come home. I had already told him on the phone. So I made spag bol and waited.

A few tears were wiped away.

A MASSIVE HUG was equally need.

Dinner was served.

And we just ate, chatted about it, looked sadly at each other and then I decided that wanted (needed) to know as much as I could. Good or bad. Mastectomy or no mastectomy, traveling after cancer, turban tying, wig wearing, chemo, operations, everything.

As they say,

know thy enemy 

If I had to have chemo and my hair would fall out, I'd get that short hair I have always thought about and then donate the rest of my hair to charity.
If I have the faulty gene, BRCA1 or BRCA2 then I will not be having children. Harsh but true.
I would not have one mastectomy, I would have a double (bilateral).
I will get breast reconstruction and some kick ass tattoos to cover them.

Of course, I had not seen the doctors yet, I didn't know the diagnosis or their plan.

I didn't want to spend a week not knowing anything and I couldn't keep thinking that it was nothing. So I looked at different scenarios and it comforted me.

I had ups and downs, I hoped it was nothing, I wondered if I would have a mastectomy. Maybe they wouldn't let me. Maybe I should have a lumpectomy and radiation because that has very similar results.

What if, what if?!

You can't keep doing that, it will drain you of all your energy.

Have a plan
 

Even if it is not the plan that you end up using. Have one. See what feels right.

Then, I had to wait.

A week later I was sat at the breast cancer clinic waiting for my diagnosis with my lovely boyfriend, we distracted ourselves by looking through home magazines, looking for inspiration for a our new home.

Then, I get my diagnosis;

Stage 2 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.

SHIT

At 29 years old, a month after completing the London Marathon for Cancer Research, I was being told that I have cancer. A tiny bit of me has started to malfunction, 1.6cms to be exact. I have caught it early and my prognosis at the moment is very positive.

       It's the best news in a crappy situation

I need more tests to ascertain what is going on and if it is actually worse then they originally thought, but preliminary result seem to suggest that it has not spread to my lymph nodes . At the moment the consultant doesn't think I will need chemotherapy. As some of you may remember, my dear Grandma died from cancer when I was 12. This past week I have learned that she had gone through a lot during her last ten years on this planet. She was always so strong, at least, that is how I remember her.

I had already had two doctor appointments before the marathon, I had found a small hard lump in my left breast and it had started to give me a lot of pain. A few days after the marathon, I booked my third doctors appointment and got my referral to the breast care clinic. That was a two week wait. I was told that it was likely to be a cyst, that I was too young.

I have chosen to share this on wellmeaningbeing, because this will forever be part of my life now and I still intend to live well throughout it.
I will still be writing about other topics, but inevitably there are going to be posts about whats going on. My apologies if this has upset anyone or perhaps brought back sad memories. You can choose not to read my posts, if you so wish.

So, for now, I am half way through knowing exactly what is going on. The unknown is still out there in front of me.

It's time to make another plan.


If you need about help or advice dealing with breast cancer you can contact :
 http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/

To make sure that you touch yourself up on the regular check out :
@coppafeelpeople

To read up on how you can support cancer research you can here :
http://www.cancerresearchuk.org





Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Live or Die

Disclaimer: May cause triggers

What would you do if you thought you would die.
Would you let feelings of impending doom set in? Would you avoid it? Deny it?
 
Maybe, it's a natural instinct.
 
But would you let those feelings consume you, until there is nothing of you left?

I hope not.
What would you do if you were going to die?
 
I hope,

You would Live.

Live it up to the max.


Whether that means raving in Ibiza, going on that long lusted after retreat in Bali, becoming a master baker or just making sure you see more of your friends and family. Go forward with new "live it to the max" intentions.

It sounds morbid. There is no avoiding it.
We are all going to die.
Pop our clogs.
See those pearly gates (if you are that way inclined)
or (and I like this one best) be pushing daisies.
 
None of us are going to like the idea, but at some point, our own timeline will end.

I know these words may trigger bad memories and worry, I just hope you don't find them insensitive.

I hope you take something out of the stoic thought;
 
"what would you do today, if you died tomorrow?"
 
and think, life is definitely short. We are very unlikely to live to 100, so there's already a "life limit". Make the most of it today. Tomorrow is still unknown! Some of us may live to 90, 80, 70.
Some of us in this world will die young.

But those years, how ever many is a whole life. No matter how many or few, those years will still form a persons whole life. Obviously, you may become unwell in later years, old age does that and it will limit what you can do, maybe do that sky drive now and not on your 70th birthday!. But what if you could truly live until you die? It doesn't have to be amazingly adventurous, just really, truly live by your own rules.

Because if you don't, it may as well be as simple as,
live or die.
If you aren't trying to live then you are just waiting to die. Blunt but true.

Take YOUR life in your hands and craft it into exactly what you want. Don't delay.
Don't give a shit about what others think. Remember that you are here to live life your way. However you want to live it (without being a criminal or a bully, please. We like good morals round these parts) just bloody well make sure you enjoy life.

Have that cake
Wear that funky jacket no one else likes
Dye your hair if you have been wanting to for ages
Sky drive or just get well into gardening, whatever.
Change jobs if you have been thinking about for 3 years and it's driving you insane.
Do it already!

Your life is precious because you will only have it once. It is exquisitely rare because you are so completely unique. We will all share similar experiences but essentially your life will never be lived again. No one will ever be able to replicate how you experience your situations, how you deal with your emotions and how you think your own thoughts. They can copy you, but their experience will be theirs and be entirely different.

If you have been letting the days pass by, if you have been sitting under that duvet and not even watching Netflix while doing it, then you are wasting your time! At least, AT LEAST go get some popcorn and get a TV series up on that screen! Veg out and enjoy some time with your self, read a book, listen to music.

But if you are avoiding, then please stop. Believe me, I know it's hard but you have to push yourself. Ask one true friend for help, if you are lonely see if they want to hang out, go for a walk. Invest your time in yourself and loved ones around you.

I used to take A LOT of long naps because I seriously couldn't be arsed and my excuse was this: I wont be able to nap if I ever have children, so I may as well nap now and relish it. I was just kidding myself, I was actually feeling fed up and needed an excuse to avoid my life. I snapped out of it.
 
That was totally stupid and unkind to my 29 years on this planet.  I have a good life. So know I own it and treat it like a precious gem. I take a step back and look in awe at all of it's wonder.

I now only nap when I need to. A little power nap. I still and always will love my duvet.

Don't avoid life. You will never get those hours back.

 

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Why you should reject my wellness ideals



I am a true advocate of what I enjoy. Why wouldn't I be?, what I enjoy brings my joy.
I want to write about the sense of wellness, that finding little snippets of joy can bring.
I want to share that with like minded people.

I often take inspiration from what I read and see, but I really try my hardest not to copy. I just take it all in and see what evolves on it's own.

When I was just copying all the recipies, I saw hoping I would resemble the chef. Or buying all the products that I read about because I liked how they looked on the reviewer. When I tried to get into tarot, to find my higher self. It just was not working out for me.

I felt lost. What I was emulating wasn't me. It didn't fit. It didn't bring me joy.

I decided to reject other peoples wellness.



So now, I still read whatever may take my fancy, it may spark an interest or I just let it go. I love seeing what other people have found helpful, interesting and what has brought that happy stillness of contentment into their lives.

There is a lot of talk on wellness being a peusdo-science. I think that the concept of wellness and an individual's wellbeing is being lost within the realm of alternative therapies and juicing and yoga. Of course wellness is what you want it to be. If you enjoy all the above, that's great.  Just as long as it works for you, you are staying true to yourself and you are not harming anyone else in the process, then it is your prerogative to do, YOU!

I hope you take my posts as little snippets of inspiration and lifestyle tales. This is as much a document of my journey as it is a blog for someone else to read.

 You should reject my wellness ideals and seek out your own unique ones.




 What I agree with, you may not, what I like to eat, you may hate. But we can all agree that giving some kind of focus on what makes you feel well and good, is important.
 
 It should be something you ask your self daily.

Do I feel well today?

Answer truthfully......

And work from there.


Some things will work, some actions with profoundly resonate with you down to the core. Other practices will leave you feeling, well MEH!

 It's all about chopping and changing, refining and selecting to make you pursuit of wellness as unique as you are.

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

M.I.A

I just wanted to quickly pop up an update.

Firstly thank you for all of your support and kind words, during and after the marathon! I know the blog has been quiet but I hope to rectify that very soon, so thank you for keeping with me during the unintended blog hiatus.

I have moved house and am currently nesting my heart out. This also means that I have no internet for a little bit! ( how rubbish)

I have really missed writing and keeping in contact with you all! Looking forward to getting back on it, blogging wise!

See you soon! x

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

My London Marathon 2015


 You are capable of anything, as long as you go at your own pace
 
On Sunday April 26 2015. I completed the London Marathon. Lets get it out there. doing it in a time of 6 hours and 49 minutes is not going to break any record. But I knew that I was in for the long haul a while back. However, I have however slow it may be, completed 26.2 miles. It's done.

It just shows that even if you see people rushing ahead of you ( in any life situation, not just a marathon) and you think they are looking so much better than you, it doesn't mean that you aren't going to reach the same end point. The same goal. If you want it. You will get it.

Yes, the length of time getting there may be different. But the destination is the same.

Keep powering on, at your own pace and you will achieve it.

It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. You are still moving and getting it done!
 

Along the way you may see some people having to stop what they are doing. They have burnt out and have had to slow their own pace, some may not carry on at all. Never try to match anyone's else's pace.
 
You have to do what is right for you.

I'll be honest, I would have liked to finish a bit quicker. Sometimes I felt like I could jog a bit faster but if I had, I don't know how I would have been at the end. At mile 25 my left leg was agony. Had I pushed it at an earlier mile, maybe I would have experience a lot more pain, a lot earlier on. So I am grateful that I held back and the real pain held off for the last mile.

With anything in life that you want to accomplish, you are capable. You just might have to do it differently to others around you. If you can run 26 miles under 5 hours, I am seriously impressed and you should be proud of that achievement! You are a machine!

You may not be impressed with my time, but I still covered the same distance. That's my accomplishment.

Fundraising and trying the train for the marathon has been very time consuming. I have enjoyed it but I am glad that is it coming to an end. So far £2245 has been raised and I am so thankful for everyone who has donated and help me along the way.

I have really missed blogging. So I hope to be back on the blog train very soon!

Tuesday, 24 March 2015

The Facebook Purge


I am old enough to remember a time before the internet. Before it became a worldwide, every day, common occurrence. I was about 13 when "the internet" arrived in my school library. I remember the frenzy of me and classmates trying the think if the coolest Hotmail account names and that was the start. The beginning of being available online, to be contacted and connected non stop.

I remember bandwidth, long beeping dial tones and msn messenger. This was all before I had even gotten my hands on first mobile phone. I finally did at sixteen. By today's standards, it was not high tech but back then it was AMAZING. I could play snake and text to hearts delight (until my £10 credit ran out) on my petite (sexy in my teen eyes) cherry red Nokia. It was the same phone Drew Barrymore used in Charlie's Angels, 16 year old me loved that.

Anyway. Fast forward to today. I'm hurrying towards my 29th birthday and looking at my "friends" list on Facebook.

FACEBOOK

A crowded collection of people who I have met during my university years and beyond. Some I still talk to. Others not so much. Even more so, there were people I was still "internet linked" to that for what ever reason, I don't even like. harsh...but  at least honest!

I could see people online who had hurt me, I was "friends" my boyfriends exes, I was still "attached" friends who ended up being not such good friends. And individuals who you just drift from as part of personal growth. It turns out that as you grow and move forward,  there may not be anything in common with these people and they don't bring anything good into your life.

Why was I still attached to keeping these people on my facebook? A few years ago I had a massive purge. But I had still let some people remain. So I spent some time editing my friend list. I removed anyone who I hadn't had a connection with for a very long time/ never did or I just added them through university polite protocol.

As I was clicking away I realised that I wanted this space to be positive, to be filled with people who support me and who I care about. By care, I mean I want my facebook to be filled with the face of people who I actually have real life connections with, not just online ones.

I don't want 500 acquaintances. I want to have a group of people that I can stay in contact with, who I know like me, for me and will collectively create a space of fun and positivity.

I want a space where I know I can share my interests and goals and not feel worried about being judged.

So after clicking away, my younger sister could not understand why I wanted to have less friends, less connections. She is of a generation that doesn't know life without the fast connections of virtual reality. She enjoys having over 800 friends on facebook and that's fine. Everyone is different.

I want quality over quantity. I want to know each person that I am connected to on facebook. It differs to twitter or bloglovin because I choose to use it as my personal space. I want it minimal, cultivated and calm.

To be able to enjoy what others are sharing with me.

 Always remember, you don't have to go along with what is the norm. If is isn't suiting your lifestyle or making you happy. You can change it. You always have control.

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

F**k Expectations


 Part of my blogging hiatus has been due the fact that, I felt lost in trying to truely express myself, without offending anyone.

How dumb is that?

You can't keep everyone happy. So how about start by keeping yourself happy.

Obviously I am passionate about wellness.
I am also passionate about authenticity and if I am going to continue writing wellmeaningbeing. I feel I need to clear the air.

I have been editing myself some what.

I swear
ALOT

Swearing does not configure with the pretty yoga pant wearing wellness stereotype that seems to be flying around.

There is no cookie cutter wellness package. There really is no one right way to create your own wellness.

Yes, sometimes swearing can cause negativity, when used wrongly. for example, I try not to call anyone a swear word these days. However, in day to day life, outside of work. I swear.

it is not for the shock factor
and
not in front of the kiddies!

I have found it hard to continue writing about wellness because I have felt that it may not appeal, if the odd swear word is involved.

But seriously. Fuck. That. SHIT!

I am a grown women heading towards her thirties. I'm not PG.

I'm interested in self care, meditation, crystal jewellery, healthy eating and a tangy G&T (not that I have had one for about 5 months) and of course so.much.more!
I love eating vegan, but I'm not vegan, I love a burger. A big fat juicy well made burger. I eat meat and that is okay, I'm not evil because of it. I have tried yoga and it's just not worked out for me. That doesn't mean I'm not spiritual or that I wont try yoga again.I eat my fair share of salads and sometimes add in a greasy chinese or a banging curry (I might feel rough afterwards, but its all about balance!).

I pursue a peaceful life, sometimes it doesn't work that way (the way I want it) and I can get angry (i stamp my foot a bit), I'm only human after all. I'm likely to get frustrated and express myself quite colourfully and then take a few deep breathes. Contemplate for a (small) while on why I'm angry and carry on with life. (perhaps abrupt, heart felt swearing helps me to not dwell on things for too long).

And I'm thinking, I cannot be the only one that feels like this.

I cannot be the only one who feels conflicted when faced with how wellness is portrayed online. For me an interest in wellness has come from raw (sometimes emotional) experiences and a passion to better myself. I'm not all sweetness and light. I'm not perfect in anyway. I don't have to like everything that everybody else seems to. I don't think you have to be just one thing/way at any one time. We are all different, with a few similar interests that join us together.

So from now on, in the effort to be authentic and staying true to myself, which in a nutshell is what self-wellness is all about. There WILL be some swearing, some honest, when needed, self expressed swearing. And I may even talk about sex, because hey, why stop at swearing!