Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Suprise yourself


There are times when you surprise even yourself.........

I thought I would be a crier
A breaking down, crying on the floor, you can't console me crier.

From the week I was told that I might have cancer, I had thought that with that kind of news rolling around in my head that I would be in tears, non stop drops of sadness, dampening my face for the whole week.

but, I didn't. I wasn't. I really surprised myself.

I sobbed ridiculously hard for a few minutes on the treatment table when I had been told that I had to have biopsy.

I let a few tears roll when I had to speak to the radiologist and I saw right into her eyes, seeing the deep concern that resided in those deep pools of icy blue, I don't think i will ever forget the look in her eyes.. I was told I would get the confirmed results in a week. But she was almost certain that it was cancer.

I then had to navigate my way out of the steepest hospital car park, drop my best friend who held my hand through the whole thing in town and then drive to work to tell them the situation.

I welled up but didn't cry

Get home

I still don't cry

I hug my boyfriend

Tears fill my eyes

But I have just cooked some delicious spaghetti. So we sit down to eat it and discus how shit this is (the cancer not the meal!) and what may happen.

Bed. Sleep. Rest

Saturday-Wake up, feeling refreshed.

A few seconds of normal. Then the heaviness sets in. I shake it off.

I head to the train station and enjoy with journey to London. I attend a facial course, really enjoy it and pass first time. No tears that day. Just pissed that I didn't do the course sooner. I really want to create a career for myself involved in relaxation.

Meet a best mate and get the emotional wobbles but I am okay. We head to a vegan restaurant on oxford circus and it is a delicious feast for my tastes buds. I had a great laugh with a true friend, for a while I forget about my pending diagnosis and then head home.

Sunday- numbness sweeps over me but I'm okay, maybe a few tears fall. I tell my parents the situation over the phone. That was rough. as. hell.

Monday - I had already decided that I would go to work, it is not too bad. Go home, think of Christmas. That our first Christmas in our one month old home might be ruined by cancer. It's 6 months away and I'm thinking of Christmas! The emotions are real people!
I lay on my boyfriends chest and let my self cry for a bit. When I get up his t-shirt has a patch, wet through with my tears.

I go to bed.

Tuesday- I wake up at four. Feel shaky. My boob's lump feels angrier and larger today, is it the biopsy or am just cancer paranoid now? either way it sucks. (turns out that it was the biopsy!)

I hold my amazing boyfriends hand while we brush our teeth. I obviously look like I'm going to cry but he is giving me the sad face, that does not help matters! I keep it together and make sure I eat breakfast.

Leave for work, music on full whack in the car. I enjoy singing to uptown funk before I go into work. For that short amount of time I feel completely and utterly like myself.

I stare into the car mirror. I notice that my eyes are a bright hazel and that for now, I don't look half bad. I will almost call my self pretty. Not with arrogance, but will appreciation. It's amazing how much you start to love yourself, when you think your "whole self" is going to be taken away.

Its on my mind but I keep myself occupied at work. Keeping busy really helps

Only, Wednesday and Thursday to get through and Friday I get told my what if. I will get my definitive answer. Not knowing anything is truly the worst. Especially for a planner like myself. I like to PLAN people!
I see my Dad after work which had been planned before this shit went down. His goofy hilarity kept me going. He brings me back to the crazy kind of normality I'm used to. I had a minor wobble. We chat and we eat some great food, I enjoyed a delicious sandwich and fries. We shared an unusual apricot and kiwi crumble, which turned out to be immense! I want to eat that again!
It's Tuesday night, and I'm driving back home to the town that my boyfriend and I have just moved to, I talk out load to my self. I will die someday, but I am not dying right now. Not today. I have too much to live for. I will do everything available in my power to fight this and live for as long as possible.
I cry quite heavily on Simon. The gravity of it has hit me. I don't want to leave him. I don't want to leave anyone.

Then a quiet stillness comes over me.
At least I've had this.
And its been great.
If it is cut short it would be fucking awful. not just for me, but for loved ones around me.
Which is another reason to fight to keep my good life even more.

Wednesday- I wake up with a start at 4am. I have to see my Mum tonight and I know she will cry on me. I'm not up for it. I want to see her, I just don't want to see her cry or talk about it all the time. I want to finished painting my garden fence white! That is seriously all I want to do. I want to finish what I started.
I sing in the car on the way to work. For the first time in ages the sky is blue and sun is shining. It is a beautiful day.

Wednesday became my bitch! I didn't cry all day, I sing my heart out in car home. I actually start talking (aggressively) to what ever is in my left tit and tell it, that it is not welcome. That I have been through to much to let it win and it has picked the wrong lady to mess with. I am mentally stronger than ever, if this shit ton of crap was going to happen, it may as well me now. Not when I have kids etc.

I see my Mum for the first time after telling her over the phone. She also surprises me, I need to give her more credit. She didn't crumble in to tears (at least she did not in front of me). We ate some strawberries and chatted. Then I asked about my Grandmas history with  breast cancer. It was painful for my Mum but we got through it. She is a lot stronger then she thinks.

I go to bed with a few deep breathes and wait for Thursday morning.
I wake at 4.30am, it is hard to get back to sleep but I manage to drift off again. I think for a second that I feel way to emotionally wreaked to go to work. Then I snap out of it, I have worked all week, work is good for me. I go to work and I have a lot to do, so I get stuck in.

Just one more day and one more night.

I want to spend my last unknown evening with Simon and enjoy being with him, being close with him, I love him. I paint my nails, I take some time for myself and chill out. I feel kind of almost normal. Except for my tiny but hard core crying out burst right before I fall asleep.

So, Friday the 5th of June 2015 arrives.

And even though I knew what the news was going to be, I was kind of, sort of okay. I had a slight anxious moment going into the breast clinic but once I was in there I was alright. I knew there would be a treatment plan and I knew I just had to the hear the diagnosis and get on with it. Of course I had hoped that it would not be cancer, but something about the radiologists face after I had the initial biopsy just told me (call it intuition) that I knew what it was already. I have breast cancer.


I'm not ever going to lie about it, knowing this scares me. It's terrifying. But I refuse to let terror consume me. And yes, it is justified when I am sad or feel angry. But I choose to not let it ruin my day. It passes. The doubt, the fear, the resentment. It passes. And you are left with the unsinkable want for pro-activeness, to be positive and live as well as you can. At least that is what has happened to me!

So this past week I have surprised myself, I've kept it together. I've had wobbles but that is normal.
If you have wobbly moments and you feel like giving up just hold on to any kind of solid thought in your mind to get the through the wave.

The shit storm.

Let the wave crash against your happy thoughts, determined thoughts, maybe, they are angry thoughts. Whatever helps you build resistance.
In my case, I perceive that my wobbles for the foreseeable future will be cancer based. But it applies to everyone, you can do it. It is tough, it is crap, but you can do it. You can get through it.

You can do anything

You deserve it. To be here, to fight and live how you want. No apologies.
Sometimes there will be situations that test us and those challenges let us have an insight in to who we truly are.

I hope that I can continue being the strong woman that has taken hold this past week. I really like having her around.


(I wrote this while I was going through the week of not knowing what my diagnosis was. It is now the 7/7/15, a month has past. No treatment has started yet. I'm still waiting to have an mri led biopsy on my right breast and waiting for my lumpectomy for the left. But I'm still hopeful, that even if I have been naive about what may be ahead. I don't know what's ahead. I can't possibly know what is ahead of me. Even if cancer hadn't decided to grow in me. I. would. not. know. the. FUTURE.
I don't know what is ahead of me, I know what is happening right now. There is no time for WHAT IF'S?, there is no point. So I'm a month in, it is early days and I'm still going strong. Lets see where treatment takes me, I hope to come out of it wiser and stronger. That's all I can hope for)


1 comment:

  1. Beautiful article, it was nice to share that week with you. You sound very strong. I wish you all the best and I look forward to keeping updated with how your getting on

    ReplyDelete