Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Dear Liz

Dear Liz,

Being really honest here, things are not quite right are they? Obviously they are not. If they were I would not be on the internet figuratively talking to you (myself) in a letter for all to see. I'm doing it because I want to put it all out there in this space I have created and have some what been neglecting,wellmeaningbeing. It helps me be a better person, it brings me support and solace. I've not been writing because I have not felt whole.
I wasn't sure what to write, so I am writing this......

What you have been struggling with is not just the fact that you were 28 and had cancer growing inside you. It's the fact that you had just about got your shit together and was living a very healthy lifestyle, feeling good in yourself and all the work you had been putting in to creating a better self, had been paying off, it was visible, tangible. You were a good weight for your height, you were in a good place mentally and you were gearing up for a good year.

Then the short lived shit storm came along and left as quickly as it had started. It was over so quickly, it was so short and sweet in the chaos it caused and it often feels like a bad dream. The scar has healed, it is fading, the physical pain is subsiding. It's six months after the operation and something has stayed behind.

It's not physical.
It's a thought.

Quite often the same questions come to the fore front of your mind.

Whats the point?

What is the point in trying to lead  healthy lifestyle again. Especially when you ended up getting cancer even though you were leading an healthy lifestyle in the first place?

Here is the truth....

You have been over eating, not exercising and not caring.

Right now, you do not care enough about yourself.

But I want you to know that I have had enough.

Yes, there is a pretty good chance of getting it again.
 But you cant wallow and worry about it all . the . time.
The fear is real, it is valid.
The fear you feel needs to be recognised and faced

SO, what's the point?

The point is this, you have to keep living well.
You need to look after yourself.
Living well doesn't give you any guarantees that it will be okay, it doesn't mean you wont become unwell again. There are no guarantees.

But I do know that living well and fully participating in your own health and wellbeing, is worth it. Whatever the outcome.
Because the short term and long term benefits far out way whatever may come your way in the future. A future that is unknown.
You are focusing too much on the bigger picture. I want you to be well in yourself, that can be in your control and you can live that way everyday.

Day by day, little by little you can make each day better.

I want you to feel good in a couples of months. I want you to feel like your old self. I want you to eat better, stay hydrated and exercise more. You need to stay active. You need to fight the fatigue that the Tamoxifen has left you with.

Because there is a point.
You are here.
You got through it.
There is no time like the present. Please don't waste it. Feel better about yourself. Look after yourself. You only get one body. You have a better reason then most to get back your fitness and get back to a good state of wellbeing.
This important.
Make each day count.

Most importantly, I love you.

Yours truly,