Thursday, 19 May 2016

When you have to stick to your guns

Sticking to your guns is essentially the same as following your own intuition.

It also leads on from that first thought that pushed you along the way to making a change. Sticking to your guns after making a decision that was born from intuition can be really hard.
Feelings and emotions are invisible, especially if you keep them locked up inside.
That is another thing all together, but relevant here when it is hard to convey to someone how you are feeling. Sometimes other people, no matter how close they are to you, cannot grasp the emotions you are dealing with. They are invisible to those around you.

Sticking to your guns takes inner strength and for you to start understanding your own self worth. First and fore most you must value yourself.
Value yourself enough to do what is truly best for you.

When do we stop doing what is expected of us and what we are being told to do? Even when we know that path is not right, that decision being made on our behalf, has none of our thought in it at all. It is not what is best for you.

In today's society a job is integral, money is essential (you don't need a lot but you do need some to get by) and your social standing is linked to what you do in your 9-5. For the past 7 and half years I have worked full time in varied roles. In those roles I have always found it hard to maintain a good work life balance.
That is what I want now.
That is what I am sticking to my guns for.

Here's the story;

I have been taking tamoxifen for ten months now. The drug inhibits my oestrogen from allowing oestrogen receptor cells from feeding cancer cells that might want to grow again. So I take it, reluctantly. It causes you to gain weight really easily and it is extremely hard to loose (not just my thoughts, my cancer nurse confirmed this). hot flushes, night sweats and mood swings are common and I have been experiencing horrendous menstrual cycles. I just generally feeling like I'm 80, the medication has left me feeling tired every single day.

Tamoxifen, causes fatigue and joint pain.
Exercise helps reduce fatigue.
Exercise now hurts my joints and it takes me ages to recover from even 15 minutes exercise.
Exercise would allow me to have better health and loose weight.
Tamoxifen makes me feel shit, tried and unmotivated.

I'm guessing that you can already see that I can easily get in a bad cycle or not doing anything, purely because of the side effects. Even though I know how to help myself. I find it really hard to do ......just being completely honest.

I want to work. But I want it to be part time. Part time will mean that I can exercise and have time to recuperate. A part time job will mean that I have time to cook healthy whole food focused meals. Part time with give me the work life balance that I long for.

At the beginning of May I decided that it was time to start properly looking for a job. That job would be part time, that was my only requirement. I applied for a role that was part time and matched my skill set. The role happened to be advertised through a recruitment agency, so when the agency asked me to visit them, I happily agreed and looked forward to the possibility of a new job.

At the agency they really pushed for me to apply for a full time role at a large corporate company. Yes the pay was very good and it was a temp contract. Perfect. I could work full time for a bit.

At the interview it became apparent that the company were looking for someone who was willing to work on a temp contract but would stay if it were to become permanent after 3 months time. I honestly couldn't work there knowing that they would be hoping for me to be permanent, training me and then I would leave because I had always known that I would.

The company had good benefits, a fantastic reputation in it's field, but was also extremely strict and verging on archaic on what a woman should wear in an office environment. That being, a dress. No exceptions. This is a hell no for me. I only wear dresses at weddings or when on a very hot holiday. I do not feel myself in them and i don't like that in 2016 a grown woman is being told that she much wear a dress at all times. It's ridiculous.  This might seem petty to some. I don't mind wearing a uniform, but I do have my limits. And being told that I must wear a dress everyday is mine. I never felt that I was corporate worker any way. It should be acceptable to wear trousers, whatever gender. I was also be pushed into something that I had adamantly said I didn't want.

So I retracted my application.

It felt good sticking to my guns, even in this economy when some would say that you cant turn down a job. You must have a job. work. work. work.

But for what?

Even thought it is scary.
Even though I have not found a job yet
Even though I have no idea what i'm doing

At least I know that i finally doing something for my own benefit. Not to please anyone elses expectations or worry about the opinions of other's. This is to make sure that I have create a sustainable work life balance that works well for me, not just working for the benefit of someone else.

Here's to sticking to your guns.
Even if you have no idea where it will lead you!

2 comments:

  1. does it sound patronising if I say well done for sticking to your guns, I remember the days of pushy recruitment agencies I temp'd for years, it's all about the commission for some. You'll find something that works for you. Sorry to hear about the rough time the drug is causing. It sucks and I can only imagine how hard it must be xxxx

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    1. No. Thank You for the Thank You! I'm glad I have stuck to my guns and I hope to find something suitable soon! Thanks for the support! xxx

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