Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Have Hope. Be Brave. Live Life.

Being completely honest I am a broken record.
You may decide to play me and it seems to be going alright. The beat picks up, you are enjoying the melody and then it skips a beat and your heart stops. The record sounds all wrong and it jumps and scratches. You decide not to try and play it for a while because you don't like what you hear. But you miss the melody, you want to feel the beat, so you try again and again. But the record jumps back to the shit bits. The record is damaged, it can't be repaired.

It's time to buy a new one. You can't exactly throw the old one away, it will forever be part of your collection. You will give in to the emotional pull at times when you want to dust off the record cover and have a look at it. Intently examining the vinyl for the damage you always hear. But you can't see it and no one else will be able to see it. They might dismiss it, but you know it is there.

Sometimes it is best to not play it for anyone else, they are fed up of hearing the needle skip a beat, the hate hearing it on repeat. And after a while you become fed up of it to. So for nostalgia's you keep the record in your collection. It's hard to stop playing it over and over but you have to make a choice. You have the option to get a new one and it is totally up to you.

I have been a proverbial broken record for well over eight months. I say I'm okay and I'm not. I feel no one understands me but I hate having to try and explain it to them. I like to stay honest but I feel like when I am some of those asking me don't really want to hear it. So I Just don't tell them.
I hate having to remind people of what has happened, but sometimes it feels like I have to. I need to, to explain how and why I feel how I do. It's a cycle that I don't like to get it, so I often avoid it.

No one wants to hear a broken record.
As time moves on for others, they don't like hearing what they feel like is old news. Even if it is still present for you. It's a hard choice to make and often difficult to accept.

There comes a time when you have to;

Have hope
Be Brave
Live Life.

I recently passed one year since my diagnosis. And I'm not going to lie the run up to it has been hard. It was recently explained to me that commonly, the first anniversary of anything is big and often affects an individual emotionally and mentally. Especially when it comes to grief and trauma. I really appreciated that I wasn't being told not to worry or having someone tell me that it happened a long time ago.
It was just an explanation that it's normal.

Sometimes I get stuck in the past and that leads me to worry about the future. What I have recently been trying to do is think of right now. What can I do right now.
It makes it a lot easier to deal with. I know it will be hard and there will be down moments, but I am going to be making a massive effort to move on and get back to feeling well again.

So what I'm going to do right now is this
Drink a green tea
Have Hope
Eat some turmeric
Be Brave
Wear my favourite perfume
Live Life

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