Wednesday, 17 August 2016

One Year Clear


On the 6th of August 2015 I had my first ever operation. It was also an operation that was essentially saving life. It removed the small tumor that would have eventually, if left alone it would have manifested into something much less manageable then what it was when found. And that was scary.

To know that something inside can just turn against you, that some of your cells just don't want to behave is beyond annoying. It's like hang on, are we not all in this together? Why have you got to go fuck it up? Why can't you regenerate properly like the others?

Shit happens.

I've said that I have been down, I have had something hanging over me for a while. I was anxious.
As it has been a year that I had my operation I was due a visit to my lovely surgeon. My scar is twisted and tight some of the muscle has wasted away, I have dents my breast and my scar isn't flat and catches on clothes. It has been suggested that I have a scar revision later in the year. It was during this appointment that I mentioned that I have felt a couple of small lumps in my good breast, the right one. He checked for me to put my mind a ease and then suggested I have an ultrasound and mammogram, as he could feel like too. I wont go into it but there was a moment where they were unsure. And in that moment I relived the panic. I was reminded that I have actually done a a lot of healing.

It was like a massive slap in the face.....a good one. I needed it!

I am actually feeling a lot better, I'm much more comfortable in myself and the dread of that moment, threatened to take it away.

But, then I fortunately I got the all clear. I have to keep an eye out, obviously. I will be for the rest of my life.

But, now I can say that for a whole year, I have been cancer free. And that is an amazing thing.

It is time to move on, this confirmation feels like closure. I'm sure I'll stumble, I'm sure I'll be scared but I can do this. It's taken a full year to process what has gone on. Mentally I am feeling stronger. Dare I say like the old me again?

It is hard to feel happy when you know others are hurting, especially when in the same breathe you hear good news, you know someone else has gotten the bad. I think it is important to stay humble and to always know that you deserve your happiness and just hope that others will get theirs soon.

So here's to good health, wellbeing and happiness! 


Wednesday, 3 August 2016

How watching a Tony Robbins documentary gave me a better sense of wellbeing.

I have just finished watching the documentary Tony Robbins, I am not your guru.

Now, right off the bat I did find the language used by Tony quit extreme. And that comes from someone who does swear a fair bit. That's just a warning in case you decide to watch it after reading this and don't like strong language!

Seriously though, watching Tony Robbin's documentary, I am not your guru gave me a better sense of wellbeing. The documentary follows Tony and a whole host of people who have traveled from near and far to hear Tony's philosophy life and how to be better. It looks like the most intense adult wellbeing summer camp ever!

The two things that stuck with me whilst watching this documentary was Tony's philosophy that we only get what we choose to tolerate and that even though we may have had a lot of shit go on in your life, that you have seriously suffered, may of had a mental break down, have been or are being bullied. These are all things that can shape you in a positive way.

We only get what we tolerate:

This really struck a cord with me, if you carry on accepting what is going on in your life and don't try and change it. If it is making you unhappy, miserable, uncomfortable and you are choosing to tolerate it. Then you wont get anything other that those emotions, experiences and situations. Life will always give you problems, it's how you tolerate them that counts. If you feel like you cannot carry on, that you are so beat down then choose not the tolerate it anymore. Choose to deserve more. Choose you allow yourself the want a better lifestyle. To not feel guilty about wanting to change and letting yourself believe that you deserve better.

I really believe that we are brought up to put up with a lot of crap, to not be selfish, to not show that think highly of yourself. We are basically all self-deprecating.  Or at least I am, and I know many of those around are as well.

Mentally, I have not been where I want to be. I have seriously been tolerating feeling crap and not trying to change it. Hearing Tony's philosophy really rang true. I can change how i feel, I am the one who can go after what ever want, to be happier, to remember to be grateful, to look around to see the beauty of everything around me. To stop being down, to stop thinking of the crap that has happened and just not move past it.

Our experiences, no matter how bad, make us who we are and they make us better for it:

Now this one had my back up a bit. It made be feel really uncomfortable. I'm not going to list of all the crap that has happened, but I will say that a lot of good has also happened. It is just that the bad often over shadows the good. So why was this making me feel so uncomfortable?

I couldn't get past the fact that those who have had bad life experiences, who have gone through some shit can and should use them as life's lessons. To use them in a way that can make you a better person, use it to help other people and put it into action to push you forward when you are down.

I have never really seriously written down all my life experiences and then also written down truthly the lifes lesson that i can learn from it. I've decided that I will write it in a journal, a place where i can privatly and honesly, be open with myself and allow myself to heal and move on.

Because, just perhaps, I have never moved on. After each stubbling block i have never let myself learn from that experience and just let it build up on my shoulders. And then the next crap thing happens and I dont move on, I put that on my shoulders to. So i'm heavy, so heavy that i can;t look up and more and see that there is a way out. That I have chosen to the let everything get on top of me and that I can and should and will go through each and everything and lift them of my shoulders, look at it and move past it.

I will only take the lessons I have learned.

When I first started this blog, that is what I was trying to do. To share life experiences and what I had learned from it. To share my observations and received feedback and hear similar stories from other people.

I'm trying.

I'm trying to get past this last year and I really want to. I need to.

Why did the Tony Robbin's documentary bother me so much? Because he could see that a persons one problem wasn't just one problem, they were all linked. It was all of their life and how they had dealt with the problems they face is what defines them.

What it made me realise was this, having to go through having cancer made me re-visit every other bad thing that has ever happened to me. I was blaming myself, putting myself down and not getting past anything.

I think this is why I have been struggling with moving on. Because I never really have moved on from the previous life crap that I should have already dealt with (sorry past me!!).
So I will write it all down. Learn those lessons and use them to move one. To move forwards.

So even if he is a bit un-orthodox, Tony Robbins really does have some serious strength in lifting people up and making them see past there problems and that is a truly wonderful thing!